This story is rated 18,
contains strong language and se.x.
NewTwitterNotification;“Danlad wassup?, You coming to the GIG at Michael’s house?”
This was a DM(Direct Message) I got from Asamoah on the 24th of december 2012. Asamoah whom I call “A$AP Blackey” was my very first Ghanian friend, he was tall, dark(y’all know) and he was from a rich background, 4th and the only son out of the family of 8 (5kids, 2wives, 1Husband). At 17(same age as I was), Asamoah already knew how to drive as he blackmailed the drivers into giving him car keys to go anywhere he wanted.
Cut the details short, he was a spoilt brat lost in a Garden city belonging to victoria (VGC).
Michael was Asamoah’s snr in school (Greensprings to be precise). Did I tell you how endowed asamoah’s sisters were? I don’t know how they do the magic but Ghanian girls rock!!!!!!!.
Well, back to reality .
Me: “Dude, I am broke, my Uncle travelled and I got no Tfare, talkless of tickets to enter Micheal’s party”
Asamoah: ”Lol! Ur 419 uncle don run from EFCC again? No worry, I go come pick you, and ticket is a Boy n a Girl”
Asamoah: “Abeg I beg you, no carry babe wey u get feelings for come oh!, heard there will be pools and lotta empty rooms”
Asamoah: “Sha check the details @ my last tweet”
At this point, as a young cultured boy from a humble home, I was wondering: “what type of event
centre do pools and rooms?”. Mind you, I attended a government school(Secondary) somewhere in Ajah, Lagos. Recently moved in with my uncle to assist him in his business, and the only time I got to touch the Steering of his Honda EOD and Toyota Prado was when I was washing the cars. Trust me, I wash car sotey I almost went to PEAK Talent show to showcase my car washing talent . Ohh! Did I tell you that Kida Kudz was Michael’s buddy?
However, the new question now is: “How Did I get to associate with these rich kids?” Lol!, Shoutout to RCCG City Of David parish and Jesus Embassy Parish. If you know those churches, you will understand my point. And when I role with my uncle (who stays in a neighbouring estate on lekki expressway), you will think am one hell of an Ajebota(Born with Silver spoon).
(Back to convo)
Me: Aiite Bro, but abeg you go borrow me that your Christian Louboutin shoes oh! Which of d event centres tho?
Asamoah: Ahaha! Charlie, I go bring Chucks for you jare. And its at Micheal’s house. Him papa don travel, e mama na soji woman”
Like seriously? How spoilt can these kids be? Na me go get mind host party for my Papa house? Abi na my mama go gree make I invite friends for party?
Well, as a comfirm Edo boy, I arranged, packaged and ironed my characters.
Was about replying when MTN sent me a message that I exhausted my MB(I wished they sent it earlier!!!!!!), then I used the last 10naira to message Asamoah.
“MB don finish oh Guy, abeg help me arrange any greensprings girls.. I no wan carry classmates wey dey on lowcut go dia fah. And when u come, shout well well make my uncle wife hear you say “Today is a special Xmas Eve hosted by the City Of David’s Youth! Why you never bath?”. Charlie abeg no fall my hands!! OUTTAHERE!”
Then I dropped my Nokia X2 asap, ran to do the chores (Please if you are a married woman, married to a wealthy man, don’t ever treat his
siblings/Family Badly. Abeg!!!) . Even with my Uncle wife’s 3 sisters[Esther(22), Faith(18), Abigail(16)] around, I still had to do the works, while they behave like they started from the bottom with my uncle. Hence, the reason I started calling myself the Lekki Houseboy. Definitely not a cool experience I tell you. Seeing your uncle being
controlled by some woman because her Dad is a major contract provider, and ME, that came to chop company money now being used as houseboy..
After the chores, I picked one or two clothes my uncle gave to me before he travelled.
Straight to the backyard to wash the Paul Smith shirt in it. “Oh Lord! God Bless that tailor!!” I said in my mind as I stood to laugh at the XL on the label right on the reflection of me in the windows. The tailors opposite the estate are my best friends by the way, to the extent that once they see me at their door, the say “Uncle don dash you again?”, and sometimes, I tell them I don’t have money and they do it free for me. (As a comfam customer).
Getting to the backyard, I saw a blessing in disguise!!! Lol! Well, let me tell you why I had to wash at the backyard. My Uncle’s wife caught me washing my clothes in my ROOM and made me starve for days, calling me a village boy. Which was true, as I spent my first 14years in the village. But she now ordered I start washing my clothes at the backyard, and this faithful day was my very first.
Which marked the end of an Era
Earpiece plugged to my ear with Davido’s Dami Duro song Jamming, I headed to the backyard.
Passing the store room, I felt like I was shouting because I was singing along to the rave of the moment, so I paused my music to test my voice, but what I heard was a soft moan coming from the store room. This was strange! As the store room was
ummm.. A store room. So I positioned myself, like the way I used to do when I wanna watch
Indecency from neighbour’s window. (R.I.P Dayo).
As I drew closer to the window, the moaning became clearer! D–n, it was just like it was in Indecency. As it was a store room, it had no cottons and the window wasn’t completely closed. But the sun was rising, I immediately remembered something about shadows in physics, so I applied physical calmness. As I tiptoed to the window like a Ninja, I saw Abu. Abu was a family friend to my uncle who came to visit earlier in the morning. But I couldn’t see the girl he was on due to the small opening on the window.
I tried guessing, this was when I remembered Abigail and Faith went out in the morning while I was washing their sister’s car. So, I concluded it was Esther, in these thoughts, I tiptoed back to where I abandoned my Mission “Wash Paul Smith” for party. Standing, bitting my nails and thinking of what JACK SPARROW would have done, I
reminisced on things Esther had done to me.
Treating me like an house boy, making me eat left overs and even insulting my Mum/Dad.. Which I hated so much!!!!
Oh My!, I was so lost in thoughts to remember that I was having a hard on from the live Indecency I just watched. I had to position my lagbaja (Penees, Deeck, Anyhow ) very well when I got back to reality, so, I headed back to the house, leaving the bucket, soap(bathing soap, she refused giving me omo), and the shirt.. Straight to the house with my evil thoughts.
In my Perry Cole boxers, Lagbaja was now flaccid when I entered the house, behold.. I got the shock of the year!!! (Ok! It was december 24th, and it was the shock of the year at that time.)
I opened the Door, looking straight to the direction of my room when someone called from the kitchen wing “Danladii!!”.. At this Moment, I was like a confused confuse(no word for it I guess ). The rate at which Lagbaja inflated couldn’t be determined at that moment, . All I knew was that If Perry Cole saw me in those boxers, he would be depressed. . I managed to look back, and there she was, standing closed to the dinning table, still in her nighties, her hair scattered. And I stood, praying that God turns me into an Owl(Do you know owls can turn their heads in 360degrees? Well, now we know.).
Esther was a final year student of Convenant University, studying Business Administration, or so
I heard when I eavesdropped on my uncle. She was tall, fair in complexion, some desirable lips and a madt dimple contrasted with an tooth gap, when she smiles, you will think she is the most caring human on earth.. ( Guys, Don’t be deceived by smiles ohhhh abeg!!!! ). Couldn’t determine the size of her bosoms because she can sabi package, but she had an Bottom I once thought of while self-servicing. Trouble!!!!!!!!!
She comes to lagos straight from school before going to Abuja where their(My Inlaw and her sibblings) parents are based, but this december, she wanted to stay in Lagos for reasons I didn’t care to know because she was just a spoilt brat!.
Sometimes I looked at her and pitied the husband that was gonna marry her. But anyhow, “I must use
Asamoah’s style to blackmail this beensh”. That was what I thought in less than 3seconds.
“Danladi what is this?” She asked looking at my Lagbaja, still in its mask with a face like ” ” ..
D–n! That was too direct. I said in my wandering mind, before I could explain myself, she shunned me, smiled and said:
“Where is my breakfast? I need to eat before I take this anti-malaria”..
Like seriously? , Esther smiled at me? Those dimples just went in, giving way for the gap tooth to shine at me? Because of why nah? Why? Malaria? Food? See this liar ohhhh! She nor know say I be walking Lying detecting machine.
All these were on my mind, “I refused to be bribed like this”, I said to myself. So I told her where the food was, still trying to cover my hellrection.
She said “Naurrie Boy”, turned around and left, with another smile!!. Blood Of Goat!!!!!, another smile? I frowned my face like shittt and popped the million dolar question “ESTHER, WHERE IS BROS ABU?” With some balloteli’s 2012Euro Cup Stand..
She paused, puzzled and shocked.. Looked at me with one hell of “WTF” on her face.
At this moment, I was feeling like the Puppet Master (Can’t remember where I knew that f.a.g sha). I had Esther right at my palms, I finally had her like Asamoah had his Dad’s drivers. I was so elated that lagbaja got jealous and deflated like a baloon. (Scientists better look for explanations to there mysteries surrounding the man tools.)
“What kind of a question is that? Which Abu are you talking about? And how dare you call my name in such a tone? Have you gone nuts or you think you are talking to your sister huh?”
These were JAMB questions I got, and to make the matter worst, she asked these questions in a very low tone, thats so not like Esther. So I thought to myself that she didn’t want someone to hear us, definitely making her guilty. So I said “YOU THINK I DIDN’T SEE YOU TWO?”..
This point, she was furious but she didn’t have the energy to slap me as she used to do, so I thought this was all from the bleep she got, she was exhausted. (Yeah! I wrote bleep sha ). But a Jack Sparrow Voice came to me like an angel and said
“Hey silly, she is 22, Abu is 30 but single, you think you can blackmail her?”..
This was when I realised I have allowed vengeance take over me, so I apologised, told her I was just trying to play with her because she looked weak and sick. This was when a clue entered! She had malaria, she was in her nighties at 2pm, I didn’t see her this morning. But d–n, how come her hair was scattered?
“I don’t have your time now, don’t ever pull a psychological joke on me ever in your life, you get it init?”..
YES! MAH!!!!, I exclaimed as I answered her like I was a cadet and she my commandant.
I left the kitchen entrance embarrassed as I went straight up to wear a Kaftan (long sleeved shirt), immediately I wore it, I headed straight to the store room and banged the door oppened..
Ladies and gentlemen, the previous Record of The Shock of the Year was once again broken on the same day.. I had a new Shock of the year!!!!
“Friends hurts the most, be careful of the friends you keep”..
Funny how I remembered the words of my teacher advising me to stay away from the kind of friends I associates with while I stood there, looking at Bros Abu and the woman, I guess she was the one I called my Uncle’s Wife few hours ago but at this moment, she was just a woman.
“Ummm.. Ummmm.. Danladi, what are you doing here?” She asked in the most vulnerable voice ever, as she stood up from the Old sets of mattress that were in the store,sweating profusely like some stainless steel with ice block inside! while Oga Abu was busy wearing his trousers. D–n! He was also
wearing perry colev? and I didn’t remember seeing him remove the condoms. Like he used it anyways.
“Joyce weds Daniel”, as I saw it on their wedding calendar the previous day, Joyce was from a
wealthy home, a graduate of Law in A.B.U Zaria in her mid 20′s. Didn’t really pay attention to her physical appearances as she was my uncle’s wife.
But she was a beauty to behold, especially now that I got to see those b.o.obs she has refused to let sagged. Unfortunately it was all physical beauty, because I just saw the ugliest woman ever!
What went wrong? Could it be that my uncle with his pot belly (which explains the XL shirts he keeps giving me ) couldn’t satisfy his wife in bed? Or is it because he is hardly at home? Why? They are just 2years old, no child yet, is that uncle of mine
impotent? Abi this Abu of a man use jazz?
“My Guy!, its not what you think”..
Abu interrupted my thinkology(pardon! ). I looked at him, I felt a
rage inside of me and wanted to break his head, but thank the gods, they over took my actions, I just looked at him and left the store room. (Oga Abu grab oh! Make he no use style beat me for that room because na danger zone I enter.)
The phone rang, it was asamoah, I picked it and he started saying words I don’t understand. All I
understood was “I don find girl for you”.
I have been thinking for almost 2hours in my room, as to why Joyce will cheat on my uncle that worships her. But I thought to myself that enough was enough, so I brought my phone, opened my opera mini, opened my Saved Pages, I was a fan of Lisa Ann and Kapri Styles, so I had pictures of her on web pages saved in my browser. This was an attempt to stop thinking of my uncle’s wife Unclothedness abomination. Or so I thought .
The bell by the gate rang, while
your boy was busy looking for soap to put lagbaja to sleep (Same soap I left outside oh!). At this moment, the thoughts of Joyce came again!.
“Why did this Uncle of mine listen to his wife in not having a gateman? How am I supposed to go out there like this to open the gate?”.
Wssssh! Back to my kaftan, with some hard-on lost, I went to open the gate, taking note that the Honda EOD was missing, meaning Joyce wasn’t around, Faith and Abigail came in. Abigail didn’t greet me, but faith did.
Faith was a chubby girl, more like the younger Toolz in person. An engineering student in Landmark University and with an inquisitive brain.
She greeted me and I asked how her outing was, she didn’t answer but asked why my eyes were dull, told her I just woke up.
I closed the gate and walked behind them, I don’t know why my eyes went straight to faith’s A$, but
whatever it was, “Blood of Goat” was all my brain could interpret to my eyes, I tried comparing it with that of Lisa Ann’s but I was more interested in knowing the kind of panties she wore. So I abandoned the comparison and tried tracing the panty lines, at this moment, I wasn’t conscious of the environment. All I was following was an A$ and the rhyme that came to mind was “17, 18, 19,
I saw legs climb a small stair, this was when I realised we were at the entrance to the house, and like someone snapped out of being hypnotised, I ironed my movements, put both hands in my kaftan shirt to position myself. Ohhh! I went to the
backyard to pick up my soap because this new era of temptation was getting much.
Got to my room, straight to the bathroom and I masturbathed with Joyce’s Unclothedness, Faith’s A$ and Esther’s Smile in mind, I was so sure I was gonna c-m twice but phuck this silly brain, it always decieves me. Just once and I have lost the hormones? Upon all the build up? Hope say I nor resemble my uncle oh?
‘When will I get to phuck, bang, bleep, straf a real pussay? When will my hands retire from easing my intimate urges? Why am I even afraid of s-x? Which way nah?”
I was asking myself in my post-masterbating trauma while I used my towel to clean myself, Ofcourse I took my bath.
In contrast, I was not sexually active, I was more like a kid that lies to himself “No S-x, it destroys lives”. But as a Lone wolf, I stay home fantasising about s-x, how a pussay will feel in my umm.. Maybe a huge lagbaja.
Lagbaja was a name my ex gave to my Joystick (Long story I tell you, but she gave it that name because I always wore Two underwears: Perry Coles n Swimming pants. And she never got to see it, she only felt it via feelings)
Dressed, headed to the kitchen to find some food.
On entering the kitchen, I saw Joyce(The Woman) cooking noodles and when she saw me, I felt an electric shock ran through her.
“Good evening aunty” was all I said.
“Evening danladi.. You want some noodles?” She asked.
Ahahahaha! What? She asked if I wanted noodles?
She phucking asked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“No ma” I said with a straight face as I went to take bread from the fridge, looking outside the compound, the Honda EOD was still not around, so I headed straight to d sitting room with “So Bros Abu drive that car wey I wash commot? He dey craze? On my mind. But she called me and said:
“Danladi we need to talk”.
I have seen this before, right? Yeah!! In the movies.
As much as I like Hollywood fictional movies, I am of the highest opinion that Nollywood (Wtf! Hollywood is in Blackberry dictionary and Nollywood aint here? ) is the best when it comes
to moral lessons.
I stood, looked back at her, straight in her eyes and said:
“I don’t what to hear anything, we don’t have anything!”.
I felt like the Boss. Dem no born my uncle well make he raise voice for him wife like I did just now. I was in this bossy euphoria when I heard footsteps coming down the stairs.
“Mahmah, (a name they call themselves, ajeboptas tho) do you have any panadol left?” Esther asked Joyce. Joyce was kind of shaky but she managed to asked “You still having the headache?”.. That was the last I heard when I took my Bread and Barma to the sitting room as fantasies of me blackmailing this
rich Lawyer dreaded me .
“What if I tell her I wanted a round? Or perhaps, I ask for money? Chai! Danladi you don hammer!, you be Wassup nigga”..
Drake’s The Motto was playing on MTVB, so I kept on repeating “Real Nigga wassup “, I never really
knew what drake was saying tho.
“Danladi! Why do you always insert a bread inside barma? I told you 3days ago that this is not how its done, village boy swags”, Faith said with a smile.
Faith was a follower on twitter as I followed her also(She had about 4k followes tho), we chat once in a while on DMs but I was always shy to speak to her facially because she had this british accent and I, myself, a confirm benin accent accompanied by stammering.
“Un.. n..n..serious Girl of a..of a thing”.. I smiled and said.
She was somehow friendly, and I wasn’t comfortable, so I asked if she cared for some bread which she turned down. Sorry I have to put this in a convo, no vex.
Faith: So, Lazii Druid’s Party at micheal’s house?
Me: Looked up, how did… (Shocked face and she interrupted)
Faith: Saw it on your mentions, and kida kudz even retweeted the original tweet by the host.
Me: Oh! Cool, you wanna go?
Faith: Yup, I retweeted it as a favour, and asamoah said he would give me a blind date. Cool right?
Me: Yeah! (Pretty much in my angry mood)
Faith: What time is it though?
Me: Its 8pm till you pass out, but non residents of VGC will have to be there before 7:30pm.
Faith: 5pm already, I guess I better get ready..
*I swear I thought she was joking*
WATCH OUT FOR PART 6